SEO Rap (not provided)

SEO Rap Details

Before you throw some shade, check outcha boy’s deets.

Disclaimer
I debated putting this part in here. Just by saying I wish not to offend, I’m basically implicating myself as being offensive. Oh well. Hopefully when listening to this, it’s highly apparent this is just for fun. It’s not a serious gesture of conceit and ridicule, but a silly song of convictions I don’t share. To be more specific:

  • I have nothing against beards, other than the fact that I can’t grow one.
  • I have nothing against Seattle. In fact, it’s probably my favorite city I’ve visited 1.
  • I have nothing against vegans. I admire their self-discipline.
  • I don’t think I’m some SEO savant. Heck, this website doesn’t even rank for anything yet.
  • I don’t know what your mom wears and I don’t care.
  • I obviously know I’m not a great rapper. I rarely listen to rap. It’s fair to say this was a bit outside of my comfort zone.
  • I don’t actually have think women are abnormally indecisive before dates or materialistic. I’ve only dated like three girls 2 so I’m not exactly an expert.
SEO Rap lyrics
Bounce rate
Crawl budget
Vlookup
This the SEO rap
Somebody give me an echo!

All you flannel wearin’, bearded vegan,
Seattle Super Startup, keyword stuffin’
content farmin’ gurus,
this song is for you

I’m an SEO specialist and this is how it works
I be rankin’ higher than yo mommy’s skirt
I be rankin’ higher than Seth Rogan watchin’ Clerks
Higher than the jump shot of Nowitzki, Dirk

But rankings don’t mean nothing
just distracts to impress
you should be out there hustlin’
doin’ some RCS
You say R-C-what?
Come on man, that’s pathetic
I’m talking about real company stuff
through real company flesh

You mean, I can be a human and an SEO too?
not just a hipster with a laptop siphoning link juice?
not just a blister on the toe of a marketing shoe?
so getcha blinders off and see it through

Oh, have you not provided any benefit to
those little websites you are claiming to improve?
Don’t you know that they are here for more than spider food?
ch1 I bet my MozCon pass your page is loading as slow as you
ch2 I aint nofollow back girl and I’d suggest the same for you
ch3 Here’s a free Knowledge Graph, your entity just doesn’t have a clue

Listen up, I put the rhythm in algorithm
Loosen up cause your rhythm is out of rhythm
Best of luck optimization is my religion
So don’t look up, you’re the statue and I’m the pigeon

Call me up when there’s finally competition
Tell Matt Cutts his job security was my motivation
He made it tough but I admired his designation
Now I’m bored outta my mind so he should come back before I lose my patience

Google’s algorithm’s like a woman just before a date
Can’t stop changing then she settles just before it gets too late
Throws something together then forever acts like was originally meant that way
If and only if you fork the money over will she
Think of you more than just a playa tryin’ to get frisky
Then to win her over you gotta ignore her just enough to get out of your own way

Oh, have you not provided not provided
Oh, have you not provided not provided
Oh, have you not provided not provided
I guess this song boils down to the fact that I’m still bitter about (not provided) too

Other tidbits
  • I wrote, recorded, mixed and (attempted to) mastered this in my basement.
  • This was all but finished over two years ago but I recently patched in a few new lyrics since some were outdated.
  • I don’t actually know what “spitting” or “flowing” means in the context of hip-hop.
  • Everything I learned about rap I learned from Coach Z.

  1. And a city with tons of great SEOs

  2. Luckily, one agreed to marry me.

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